Will you help me improve the lyrics i wrote?

i wrote it about a month ago,so..yeah..:








My life is broken into pieces


of glass shattered on the floor


There is no blood in my body


I can't live this anymore


I'm living this life depressingly


with no one caring about me


There's nothing in this house left to break


My heart is no longer beating





The pain,it goes on,life never stops


you can't rewind, fast-forward, or pause


and,ohh, the glass punctured in my skin


It's okay, but my future isn't





if only i could go back


and fix all of my mistakes


they've only brought me torture


and more lifeless fakes


have you ever wondered why


you have to live the way you do?


why you were stuck with this


mess that can't fix?





the pain, it goes on (...^^^)





so leave all of your anger and misery


can't you please?


i already have too much to deal with


it's too much stress on me


and why,


why do we break hearts?


why do we kill lives?


can't we all just live peacefully?


you only have one chance at life








i can take harsh comments,too.. i'm aware that it sucks lol

Will you help me improve the lyrics i wrote?
I would recommend removing the 'of' at the beginning of the second line. Try to rephrase or change around the fifth line, it's weak and could be as strong as your previous lines.





the last line of the second stanza, 'it's okay, but my future isn't' it doesn't flow...perhaps change the 'isn't' to 'is not.'





'mess that can't fix?' i'm assuming that you mistakingly left out the 'be' so it's ' a mess that can't be fixed?' it would sound better that way.





other than that, it's excellent. no harsh comments needed, it's great lyrics.





I enjoyed the read.





Gene
Reply:it's good
Reply:I really don't think it sucks. It's pretty good actually. I really don't have any suggestions. But good luck! =)
Reply:i think it's pretty good. i don't have any suggestions. good luck!! :) ♥
Reply:i just have to say that does NOT suck! i think it's a very good creation of yours :)





i think after "the pain, it goes on..." then repeat (well what seems to me to be the chorus) the part:





"The pain,it goes on,life never stops


you can't rewind, fast-forward, or pause


and,ohh, the glass punctured in my skin


It's okay, but my future isn't"





then continue onto the third verse :)





but hey that's just a suggestion, it's all up to you!





i really like it though. it does not suck! it is very very wonderfully written :)





*hugs*
Reply:No help required, i think you have made your point.


For your next one i would suggest a little less melancholy.


Life is like a cup of tea, it's how you make it!
Reply:That's really good. I don't know how you would change the lyrics. I am not really good with writing songs. Just one question though, is this a soft song or a fast paced song.
Reply:Thats nice
Reply:Wow this is really good!!! Wow
Reply:To me it's too depressing, i like songs which say your depressed but get better or something. but its good if you like that kind of stuff.
Reply:that's good
Reply:Better Than I Expected! I Can Relate To This In So MAny Ways! .......xxxx

alstroemeria