Honest opinions on these lyrics?

(V.1)Open eyes....I`m here again


and re-analyse all thats been


still feel the curse,now need the nurse,(I) play with the snake


just to escape


(V.2)Routine etched underneath my skin


the law divine would say i`ve sinned


hypocrisy rules,so we`re all fools,


will not conform,until then I`m scorn


(CHOR.)Wield the scythe and feel obliged...you won`t bury me alive.Taste my blood and let it flood...you can`t bury me alive.





(There is a third verse but I won`t push my luck!)

Honest opinions on these lyrics?
hey, it sounds pretty cool to me.
Reply:Is this for Mariah Carey's new album?
Reply:Some of the rhymes are too forced sounding, in the first verse. Curse-Nurse and Snake-escape. To me, it just sounds like you tried to hard to get the rhyme scheme and if your going to have a scheme, you should follow through with it, or it sounds "off"





Other than that, its good.





Also, you could improve some of your word choice. Try to find some awesome synonyms for the boring words. Good luck, and happy writing!
Reply:u need a girlfriend!!!!! it is ok. keep working on it :-)
Reply:lose the word, "still" in the first verse third line





pretty good, but it's too gory for my taste
Reply:i like everything a lot except maybe you should think about changing


- still feel the curse,now need the nurse,(I) play with the snake


just to escape-





but whatev thats just my opinion its still good
Reply:yes. don't push your luck! kidding. just...don't exagerate when you try to rhyme. let the words come naturally and don't force them to rhyme because you lose the meaning and you don't wanna do that. but it's good. and i challenge you to find a song tu put them on. i bet you won't manage to do it. i don't know how you imagine it will sound like but i think that if you don't shorten them a little or do better rhymes it will definitely be a rap song. :P hope this helped...:)
Reply:it is coolio but i really dont like the line "play with the snake just to escape" it kind of throws it off! and if its a rock song all the lines dont have to rhyme that is the good thing about rock music. but u r good keep going i want to hear the third verse:)