Constructive critiscism for my lyrics?

Well...I want to have something to do with music in later life and recently i've been writing alot...I want to know what you guys think...Im not a pro - thats why my lyrics might not be very good but Im looking for ways to improve...


By the way this isn't finished...thats why its not very long..





You should be here but you're not.


Im here - alone on the bathroom floor,


Making red tracks across my skin.


You're miles away and you dont remember me anyway


If I close my eyes you're here


If I blink I miss you


I want my eyes to stay shut forever - so I can be part of your world.





=/ Its not good I know but I would appreciate any advice at all on this...





Thanks =]

Constructive critiscism for my lyrics?
i really like. im not just saying it i serouly think its good





XD





i like this line





If I blink I miss you


I want my eyes to stay shut forever - so I can be part of your world





really good
Reply:i think that depending on what sort of music would go with it, it could maybe use a few ryhmes or something. it sounds good though.
Reply:i think that the words are really good, its just that i think some of the lines may be kinda long and running over into the next phrase you know what i mean? i just know if its all connecting well. but is still a great start





and in one line u used the words away and anyway to end the thoughts and they just dont sound good togethor because they both ave the same same ending of -way and it sounds wierd. i wish i could know like the melody of this
Reply:No, it is good!





It's kind of emo at the heart of it, but if it's whats real, then it doesn't matter if it's emo.


It makes me think...





Please don't give up on this set. Add a verse or something, it could be fantastic!





Okay. I realized my answer probably wasn't that helpful--


I would work on moving the words around so they fit into a rytymic phrasing. It's hard for me to tell what you're thinking musically just reading the lyrics--


but the meaning is there.


you just have to move it around...


i guess that's more what i was trying to say.





"you're miles away and you don't remember me anyway" that seems to flow quite nicely, it's not the line that jumps out at me at first, but then i read it and i hear it in my head. That's the line that lets the singer really shine- the words feel so warm and tender and perfect in their place there that it can be about the music-


that's sort of the ufortunate thing about lyrics.


the best ones always fade and blend with the music...
Reply:Wow I don't know what to say ....BUT WOW., this song just really made my heart stop from emotion! More lines would really make it so great, I have known several people feel this way like in this song, Is this how you feel personally about something? I don't know but i REALLY like this song so far, Write some more ,I'm interested! Good job! :)
Reply:awesome not sure bout the bathroom floor tho but the rest is awesome.

primrose