Can I get some feedback on these lyrics I wrote? Any advice or comments?

Disappear





Kiss me while I touch your back


Everything so smooth I won't hold back


It's raining in your eyes I see...(yeah...)





Kiss your lips as I close my eyes


Smelling every season walk on by


You and me, together we'll be...(perfect)





Grab my hand pretty baby


It's been so long, not lately


I've missed you so much


I've missed you so much


Grab my skin pretty darling


It's no surprise, just a warning


I just wanna kiss you until you disappear....





Tick tock, the clock of love stops


Its time for you to go where you never ever stop


Life is just a running train


Run through my mind and sustain the pain





Kiss me goodbye once more


Disappear and go through that door


Leaving me here all alone to think about how our love will grow...

Can I get some feedback on these lyrics I wrote? Any advice or comments?
i think i would change the part about grabbing the skin that sounds painful
Reply:Sounds pretty good. Only I wouldn't repeat the same rhyming word in two consecutive sentences though.
Reply:I think it's good.
Reply:Practice, practice,practice...I wouldn't quit you day job just yet..,
Reply:I like it, but, I would say, Touch my skin.....it's good tho
Reply:Nice try, however, if you want the truth it sounds quite cheesy! It reminds me of that terrible Marky Mark and the funky bunch song "Make me say Ooh!". Try to be a little bit more mature/deep and cut out all the puppy love/superficial bits.
Reply:is engish your second language? It sounds a bit clumsy to me by some reason. I don't like the "pretty baby" part and "grabbing the skin". She is leaving him, so the last line should be "to think about how our life Would grow"


Don't take me seriously though, i might be wrong because i don't appreciate the style.